I found some old emails that I thought were pretty funny and would share with you. Anyone taking offence… lighten up!

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
 
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
 
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
 
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
 
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
 
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
 
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"  So I bought her an electric chair.
 
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was.  She told me, "In the lake."
 
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
 
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"  The driver said, "No, jump in!"
 
10. Remember:  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
 
11.  I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.
 
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
 
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
 
Scared the s*#@ out of me.
 
So that's it!
 
After today, no more reading.

WHAT DO DEER THINK?

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What
do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you
shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one
who killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All
they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to
screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very
much like the French.' "

The interview ended at that point.

Here is a cool link showing someone has way too much time.